This blog post is a little different to what I have written over the past few weeks and there has been a catalyst to this.
I will firstly explain the catalyst and then the thoughts and feelings that went through me following the very obvious initially down period.
I had a full manuscript rejected on Monday. I couldn’t have asked for a lovelier company or person to have dealt with in the time I did speak with them. And when they rejected, they gave me feedback, both on my good points and the points that needed work on, and those points being the reasons the manuscript wasn’t in a place they felt they could offer me representation.
Now this post isn’t about that. It happened and I’m sure I will obtain many more rejections in my lifetime. Though I do plan on revising the area’s the agency pointed out to me because I do agree with the points made.
This post is about regaining my sense of self and is about stepping out here in the blogosphere and saying, quite loudly and quite proudly, This Is Me.
So, how did it come about that I feel I am here in this place, feeling the least like me, I have felt in a long time?
I was so desperate to join the “crime writers” that I tried to mimic and conform to “expectations” perceived or implied. I needed a crime orientated blog and I needed to focus more on the platform of the author I wanted to be and that was Rebecca Bradley, Crime author. I wanted to fit in that box. I narrowed my blogging behaviour down to be what I thought it should be, to give it a professional look, should anyone be interested, and I removed things from my blog that I felt could hold me back. I completely and utterly shut myself in a box, in an attempt to be something I’m not, and now, now I have that rejection, I’ve realised I can go on. A rewrite is necessary. But first. A rewrite of who you think I am is necessary.
There are two things that I removed from my blog when I set up this new blog. These are a part of my life that I live with on a day to day basis. I live with two sometimes debilitating and sometimes not so debilitating syndromes. Both diagnosed last year. The first being Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and the secondary disorder that is here because of that, is Postural othostatic tachycardia syndrome.
I thought that if potential agents and publishers saw this, they would be put off, thinking as a long term prospect, that I wouldn’t be worth the investment. But let me tell you this. I work nine hour days in a bloody demanding job, with a 45 minute drive each side. I have a home and family and I wrote a complete novel in a year because I wanted to, not because anyone was pushing me to. I actually had to wait to start the novel while I finished the Open University level one courses I was completing. So, out of work, my brain needs to be occupied. I think I’ve proved and can continue to prove just how hard I can work and will work if needed.
By hiding this deliberately from any agents or publishers who may check my blog and whom it would be important to, I am being deceitful by omission. That’s not a place I would like to start.
Yes, both of these disorders have their issues for me, but I’m actually quite mildly affected, other than dealing with issues of pain and being fatigued a lot.
What I want to say is, I don’t want to box myself in to a corner. I just want to be me. To blog about the ups and downs of writing, in general and as I try to get an agent/publisher. To blog about my life, my interests and randomly fill up my blog with various things that may give you an idea of who the real Rebecca Bradley is.
I want to write. I will keep writing. But what I really want is to be genuine. I want to be the real me here. I want to fill my Twitter feed and blog with posts and tweets about anything that interests me, be that crime, random day to day stuff, not having drunk enough tea and the occasional honest post of an overwhelming draining day.
Isn’t that the point of blogging, to connect with people? And really if the fact that I overcome two syndromes to achieve what I achieve and it’s still not enough for anyone in any decision making process, there is little I can do about it. I won’t give up being me. I have integrity. I work hard and I want to share this journey with you if you’ll allow.
Effie says
Rebecca – you and I both know this – I could be you and you could be me.
I did the exact same job as you. I too have Ehlers-Danlos type 3, Hypermobility type, with associated difficulties of prolapses, diverticulitis, joint dislocations and more. So do my three children. I did an Open University degree. I worked damn bloody hard and trying to prove I was not my physical condition. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote. I honed my craft. I put my work out there. I didn’t want to pigeon hole myself so I wrote lots of different genres – but often came back to crime.
This week, six years after deciding I wanted to concentrate on writing, I did. I actually bloody did it. I got that book deal.
And so will you. Be proud of who you are, warts, and joints, and conditions galore. People know who I am, what I am, what I have and what I mean. Give yourself permission to be you.
Good luck. I did it. And to repeat myself, so will you.
XX
Rebecca Bradley says
You did?!!! Yay! I’m soooo pleased for you! I’m going to search out your facebook timeline and see if I can find out more. That really is great news. Your comment really touched me. I know how freakily alike our lives have been/are and to get your comment through straight away really hit the nerve. Someone really got it. Actually got it. Thank you for reading this tonight and for replying.
And I’m so thrilled for you!
Margot Kinberg says
Rebecca – What a wonderful, meaningful post. You have every right to create the you that is genuine. And if that you wants to discuss your writing, your interests and other parts of your life that you want to share, then why not do so? The truth is that no matter what you write, there will be people who disagree with you, or who really wish you’d blog about something else, or who hoped you’d mention this or that, or….. You cannot please everyone. Trying to will only tear you apart and you won’t succeed for all that. You are far, far better off pursuing your own course.
Of course you are wise to listen to the suggestions that that publisher made. You are wise to look carefully at where you can grow as a writer and I’m glad you’re doing that. We can all benefit I think from growing. I know I can. But the right publisher will see your talent, recognise the fit with that publisher’s goals, audience and so on, and work with you. It may take time, but being someone you are not is not the way to make it happen sooner.
Rebecca Bradley says
Thank you Margot. I absolutely 100% agree with the feedback on what needs work. I also know how lucky I was to receive that feedback, so I will be positive with it and work on the manuscript in an attempt to strengthen it before the process begins again.
As for blogging, I think some people just come online to be grumpy. Some genuinely don’t like some kinds of content. As long as I’m not offensive (which I’m not that kind of person), then I’m happy for people to make their own decisions on reading or not. It’s all about choice. I’m glad you’re here. 🙂
yasminselena says
How do you feel having written this post? Can I just say, well done for writing it so extremely honestly. I don’t know what those two conditions are you’ve mentioned, but completely appreciate they made you feel vulnerable. I felt *exactly* the same way when I blogged about depression last year. I was terrified to be honest. I’m self-publishing as you know, but I do want to earn money as a freelance copywriter and I really worried future employers would hold that against me.
I thought about deleting the post many times. But I never have. Because if someone holds that against me, I don’t want to work for them anyway. Nobody is perfect Rebecca. And who’s to say your future agent or publisher will be? They might have issues of their own they contend with. Be yourself, you’re doing the right thing. And it IS your blog, if you can’t be yourself on your own blog, where can you be? And good luck with the re-write : ) I look forward to reading the end result x x
Rebecca Bradley says
Thank you Yasmin. You are a constant source of shining support!
I’m not sure how I feel. I didn’t post this right away. I didn’t want it to be an emotional outburst / reaction, kind of post, so I let it sit. I feel a sense of relief I think, but a kind of relief that I didn’t just go tumbling over the cliff edge, but I’m actually teetering, not sure which way I’m going to fall. I’m sure after what you just said, you get that completely.
Thank you. Here’s to posting honestly and being accepted.
Susi Holliday (@SJIHolliday) says
This is a great post. I am SO glad you wrote it. I don’t know you well, but I feel like I’m getting to know you a little bit. I was delighted to have a nice, fairly long conversation with you at Harrogate and I was very excited for you that you’d finished your book and sent it out into the world. That itself is a huge thing to do and by doing that, I know you will get there. If you can write under the conditions you describe, you have the willpower and the balls to succeed – and I very much hope you do! As for being yourself – YES – I am a huge champion of this 🙂 I often wonder the same about my online activities – is this really me? Will people be upset if I tell them how I really feel? Am I allowed to say stuff that’s not just about reading and writing? Sometimes I feel like a fraud, but I try to be true to myself. By doing that you can only become stronger. Well done, Rebecca! And kudos to you for getting to where you are – getting feedback is what we all strive for – you can take that and build on it. Good luck xx
Rebecca Bradley says
Thank you Susi!
I know I was really lucky to get the feedback. It is something I can really work with as well and I do identify with it as well, so it does help. I hope I can make the manuscript stronger.
It was lovely to chat with you as well at Harrogate. It’s a good job that queue was so long! Next time we definitely need to find chairs and drinks though.
I think putting on a false persona online can only be maintained for a certain period of time. Reality keeps going, regardless of our intentions and this has to affect us. Why are we online if we aren’t being honest. I think if our main interest is reading and writing, then the majority of stuff is probably about that, but yes, being yourself means other things happen, to everyone. Sharing other things, I think, will give us a chance to show our voice, amongst other things.
I look forward to seeing how we both do with this 🙂 xx
Susi Holliday (@SJIHolliday) says
I need to swear more. In real life, I swear like a trooper 😉 And yes to the chairs and drinks! x
Annalisa Crawford says
I had a wobble about my blog a few months back, wondering what I wanted it to be, and you’ve come to the same conclusion as me: it has to be you, it has to show the bits that aren’t a crime writer, because your family and health are equally important (okay, your family are probably MORE important lol).
I’m looking forward to seeing how you move forward with your blog now 🙂
Rebecca Bradley says
Thanks Annalisa. I think, to have a genuine feel to a blog, it really is the way to go. Or at least, that’s the feedback I’m getting! 🙂
cassam101 says
What a great post. I think you are right you have to show who you really are because that’s what makes you the writer you are. I have Cystic Fibrosis and often hid it from people when I went for a job but life has a way of saying you have to tell them at the start so that is what I do now. I’m proud of the way I cope with life with an illness and so should you be. We can achieve anything.
Rebecca Bradley says
You’re so right Ann, how we achieve what we do, with the illnesses we live with, should actually be a positive rather than a a negative. I’m sure it will still be a negative in the eyes of some, but we have to be happy with who we are and that is the important thing. I’m glad to hear you are also so positive with it.
Jo Carroll says
What a great post – now all your followers will know they are connecting with the real you, and not the one you think you ought to be. We’ll all enjoy the ride.
Rebecca Bradley says
Thank you Jo. It was a difficult post to write, but it seems it was probably the right decision.
Pamreader says
Wonderful, wonderful post, Rebecca! I’ve always liked the real you and it’s great to see you on here *hugs*
Rebecca Bradley says
Thank you Pam. 🙂 x
Jane Isaac says
What a wonderful post, straight from the heart. I’m so sorry to hear about what you have to deal with – that really sucks, but your drive and determination shines through, as well as being a really nice person. I’m so glad that we’ve hooked up.
I’m sorry to hear about your rejection, however there are few that provide critiques, so I’m guessing they saw something special in your work to warrant doing so and if you work on your script & keep pressing forward, you’ll get there.
Thanks for sharing x
Rebecca Bradley says
Thanks Jane. Comments like this make me glad that I did make this post. Thank you.
I am strangely now motivated by the rejection. Like you say, the feedback was a real positive.
Dave Sivers says
Great post, Rebecca, and well done you for ‘standing up’. The real you will always beat the manufactured version hands down!
Rebecca Bradley says
Thank you Dave! 🙂
Laydilejur says
I admire your courage, Rebecca – not only in speaking out through your post but the admirable and positve way you deal with ‘life’. You deserve the success that will surely come your way. It’s just a matter of time. My son once bought me a poster when I began to write again: Success is not the position where you stand but the direction in which you look.
Keep looking, Rebecca! I am …
Rebecca Bradley says
Thank you! I really do love the poster your son gave you. I could really do with that poster above my desk. We can both keep looking in the right direction!
Stacy Post says
Rebecca, I always appreciate it when you drop by my blog and leave me a comment. Connecting to other writers is a blessing. The writing journey is often riddled with rejections and setbacks. This rejection means that you are one rejection closer to a resounding, YES. 🙂 Write on!
Rebecca Bradley says
Thank you Stacy. That is a good point – one rejection closer to a yes. I’m going to keep hold of that. Thank you!
Mieke Zamora-Mackay says
Bravo, Rebecca! I hear you on the issue of limiting what seems like the “excess and unnecessary” but they make up who we are as people. That’s exactly who the readers of our blogs want to get to know, aside from the stuff we write about. I’m taking a page from you and will share more of myself on my blog as well. Thank you.
Rebecca Bradley says
Thank you Mieke. I look forward to continuing reading your blog. 🙂
Talli Roland says
I’ve always firmly believed that the writing will ultimately entice a publisher or agent – the rest is just gravy. Well done for taking back ‘you’!
Rebecca Bradley says
Thanks Talli. I suppose I’d better get off the blog and get revising! 🙂
cathbore says
I think if you’ve had feedback from the agent in question then surely that’s a very good sign you’re on the right track with your novel. Good luck with it, am sure you are on your way to representation then publication 😉
Rebecca Bradley says
Thanks Cath. It was great to receive the feedback and it is something I am definitely working with!
kimmwalker says
Great post Rebecca! As the paralympics start this week, we’ll all be able to celebrate people who have overcome hardships to shine, just as you have already.
Rebecca Bradley says
Thanks Kimm. I’m really looking forward to the paralympics. Amazing athletes.
Very Tessa Tangent says
*staggers in, brandishing map* Always late to the party, me, Rebecca, but what a great post which I must’ve overlooked in August. Forgive long reply, please…
I can’t say a big enough ‘YESSSSS!!’ Haha. Great decision to make. To Thine Own Self Be True is not a bad motto for life. And for happiness.
Fear, particularly of openly being or revealing who we are, is powerful but all it does, at best, is paralyse us within self-built prisons and stop us from being true to ourselves – and thus happy and relaxed.
Marianne Williamson (quoted by Nelson Mandela, too) wrote: ‘And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.’
I realised that, as long as I never deliberately harm anyone, it’s none of my business what people think of me! That realisation gave me freedom. I’ll never be perfect. What is perfection (particularly within the creative arts) anyway? Does it exist? It’s certainly subjective stuff if it does.
How can I show I’m the haha perfect writer (or artist) through a blog? It’s my work (and yes, maybe how I behave as a writer) which will show simply whether I’m publishable and whether people can work with me, or not. And at some time, for some individual, my work will be just right for them. Or not – and I’d have to take that on the chin as part of life’s learning curve.
I am very good at self-doubt, self-judgement and self-sabotage. Sometimes that seems to be the writer’s lot! But I have to remember certain things, or I’ll sink and spend time, who knows how long, creatively paralysed.
If someone (publisher, agent, whoever) were to discriminate about you because you didn’t fit their image of ‘the ideal perfect writer’, well – cliche but – that’s their problem, not yours. If an agent or publisher chose you by believing a falsely representative blog, then you’ll find you are a mis-match at some point! As with all relationships, the best partner is one with whom you can utterly be yourself. 🙂
I know this is a long and late reply, please forgive. I hope you’re enjoying your new freedom. All the very best, Rebecca! x
Rebecca Bradley says
Thank you so much!
I’m not bothered if this reply was “late”. It was wonderful to see it in my email in-box while I was at work today. Which, says, as much as we stand here and say we are going to be ourselves, damned to what people think, we do actually still crave acknowledgement and acceptance. I do think that it’s the positives though. Like you say, if someone has negative views, then as long as I’m not harming anyone or being malicious, then we can’t please everyone and they will just move along. But. Yes, it was lovely to read your reply.
I particularly like the Marianne Williamson quote (and am going to attempt to share at least some of it on Twitter!). It’s true though. The same as if you smile at someone, they can’t help but smile back. I never understand why people walk around grumpy at work all day. I couldn’t keep that level of grumpy up if my life depended on it. Mind you, if you deprived me of tea and food, I might just!
I’m excellent at the self-doubt, judgement and the other one. I constantly reassess my decisions and am constantly afraid it was the wrong one. The same with this blog to be honest. But, it really was making me unhappy trying to be something I thought I should be, rather than just being me.
Thank you for taking the time to read and for taking the time to leave such a lovely comment. You really made my day today 🙂