I will firstly explain the catalyst and then the thoughts and feelings that went through me following the very obvious initially down period.
I had a full manuscript rejected on Monday. I couldn’t have asked for a lovelier company or person to have dealt with in the time I did speak with them. And when they rejected, they gave me feedback, both on my good points and the points that needed work on, and those points being the reasons the manuscript wasn’t in a place they felt they could offer me representation.
Now this post isn’t about that. It happened and I’m sure I will obtain many more rejections in my lifetime. Though I do plan on revising the area’s the agency pointed out to me because I do agree with the points made.
This post is about regaining my sense of self and is about stepping out here in the blogosphere and saying, quite loudly and quite proudly, This Is Me.
So, how did it come about that I feel I am here in this place, feeling the least like me, I have felt in a long time?
I was so desperate to join the “crime writers” that I tried to mimic and conform to “expectations” perceived or implied. I needed a crime orientated blog and I needed to focus more on the platform of the author I wanted to be and that was Rebecca Bradley, Crime author. I wanted to fit in that box. I narrowed my blogging behaviour down to be what I thought it should be, to give it a professional look, should anyone be interested, and I removed things from my blog that I felt could hold me back. I completely and utterly shut myself in a box, in an attempt to be something I’m not, and now, now I have that rejection, I’ve realised I can go on. A rewrite is necessary. But first. A rewrite of who you think I am is necessary.
There are two things that I removed from my blog when I set up this new blog. These are a part of my life that I live with on a day to day basis. I live with two sometimes debilitating and sometimes not so debilitating syndromes. Both diagnosed last year. The first being Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and the secondary disorder that is here because of that, is Postural othostatic tachycardia syndrome.
I thought that if potential agents and publishers saw this, they would be put off, thinking as a long term prospect, that I wouldn’t be worth the investment. But let me tell you this. I work nine hour days in a bloody demanding job, with a 45 minute drive each side. I have a home and family and I wrote a complete novel in a year because I wanted to, not because anyone was pushing me to. I actually had to wait to start the novel while I finished the Open University level one courses I was completing. So, out of work, my brain needs to be occupied. I think I’ve proved and can continue to prove just how hard I can work and will work if needed.
By hiding this deliberately from any agents or publishers who may check my blog and whom it would be important to, I am being deceitful by omission. That’s not a place I would like to start.
Yes, both of these disorders have their issues for me, but I’m actually quite mildly affected, other than dealing with issues of pain and being fatigued a lot.
What I want to say is, I don’t want to box myself in to a corner. I just want to be me. To blog about the ups and downs of writing, in general and as I try to get an agent/publisher. To blog about my life, my interests and randomly fill up my blog with various things that may give you an idea of who the real Rebecca Bradley is.
I want to write. I will keep writing. But what I really want is to be genuine. I want to be the real me here. I want to fill my Twitter feed and blog with posts and tweets about anything that interests me, be that crime, random day to day stuff, not having drunk enough tea and the occasional honest post of an overwhelming draining day.
Isn’t that the point of blogging, to connect with people? And really if the fact that I overcome two syndromes to achieve what I achieve and it’s still not enough for anyone in any decision making process, there is little I can do about it. I won’t give up being me. I have integrity. I work hard and I want to share this journey with you if you’ll allow.