Back in February I did a post that was the first in a list of 52 questions on Rose B. Fischer’s blog. It was part of an awareness raising campaign called Redefining Disability. I do mention my own disability a few times, I’ve seen a lot of campaigning for the raising of mental health awareness recently and I’m following the Models of Diversity campaign so I decided to join Rose’s Redefining Disability project and occasionally pick a question and talk about how my own disability affects me and my life.
The question I’ve chosen to talk about today is number 19 on Rose’s List.
In what other ways are your interpersonal relationships affected by disabilities? — Examples might be that it’s harder for you to form or maintain relationships or that people treat you differently once they realize you have a disability.
This one is a difficult one to write about because it has been a recent painful lesson in what friendship really is.
Mostly, nothing has changed with friends. They take me as they find me and all is good. I have one friend who calls me a teapot because she’s worried I’m going to break at any second. But she cares.
Online friendships are easy, if I’m here, typed words portray who I am, not what I can’t do.
Then there was the meal four weeks ago. A group of friends I keep in touch with every few months by going out for a drink or a meal. I hadn’t seen them for a while. They were already seated when I arrived, because, as usual, I was running five minutes late…
It was the first time they had seen me in my collar and didn’t know anything about the craniocervical instability. I didn’t even get to the first course. I managed to drink half a glass of wine before I left that restaurant in floods of tears.
One of the girls shouted (and yes I do mean shouted, in the middle of a busy restaurant on a Saturday night) at me, when I defended myself, that I wasn’t giving up on life, I was simply trying to tell them what was wrong and I had a good life, I had published a book and sold several thousand copies, she shouted – ‘Why the hell didn’t you lead with that? We don’t want to hear about this shit. We’re out to have a good night.’
At which point, I upped and left. I have not spoken to or heard from them since. Though one of the girls is training to be a nurse and followed me out and has been in touch, she wasn’t a part of it.
So, in the main, I haven’t experienced any changes in relationships – other than that one episode. It’s funny how you don’t see the real person through the mask they wear sometimes.
Real friendships are worth their weight in gold and more. They should be treasured. You never know when circumstances could change and one of you could need the other.
Kindness is free.
MarinaSofia says
Brrr, just … speechless, really.
Rebecca Bradley says
You and me both Marina. I usually have something to say in an argument but that was something else.
louisevoss1 says
Good grief! That’s one of the most insensitive and selfish comments I’ve ever heard! Empathy seems to be a dying art in our society. Don’t blame you for being upset. It’s interesting, isn’t it, that in times of stress you find out who your real friends are…
Rebecca Bradley says
It certainly is Louise. It was hard at the time but I’m glad I know now.
Alex J. Cavanaugh (@AlexJCavanaugh) says
How incredibly rude and selfish! That was completely her problem, not yours. You don’t need to hang around her or anyone like her.
Rebecca Bradley says
I couldn’t believe it. It was so extreme.
Margot Kinberg says
Oh, Rebecca, I am so sorry you had to deal with that. You’re better off in my opinion not hearing from people like that.
Rebecca Bradley says
I know. Thanks Margot. I’m glad it’s over but I now know who my friends are.
Natacha Guyot says
I’m so sorry you had to deal with this. At least, now you know who your friends are, but learning it the hard way is never fun.
Rebecca Bradley says
Thank you Natacha. You’re right, learning the hard way isn’t fun, but I’m really glad I know now.
Annalisa Crawford says
What a terrible attitude that woman has! Stay as strong as you are, Rebecca. Perhaps one day she will see the error she made.
Rebecca Bradley says
Thanks Annalisa. Maybe one day she will. I’m not sure I will be in the mood to care though.
kathybryson says
Well, that’s bizarre. I’ve been in the position where I wasn’t sure about mentioning something as in I might have hesitated to point out your collar, but if the whole point of the meal is to catch up, then of course you’re going to ask what’s going on. Someone needs to review their manners!
Rebecca Bradley says
It was all very strange because she is usually so kind and considerate. I suppose it’s why I was so shocked and silent. But it’s done now.
elsie elmore says
Rebecca, I hope both her lack of grace and the insensitivity of her words fade quickly from your memory. Finding balance in life is hard enough without someone like that tipping the scales. She is truly the one missing out.
Rebecca Bradley says
Thank you Elsie. Luckily because we see each other infrequently, I am doing quite well and not dwelling on it. It makes me sad that I would lose friends but they were never really there in the first place for this to happen anyway.
Kay says
How completely and totally odd and rude. You know, sometimes it is really apparent that a person is all about them – totally. Some people just cannot think outside of their own little sphere and I truly don’t understand that. Were they raised in a barn? I think referring to the reason that you were wearing the collar would be completely understandable, especially if they were unaware. I mean, wouldn’t someone inquire? Not in an ugly manner, but concerned. Well, sometimes, you just have to cut a person loose and discover that not everyone can be your “friend”. I’m sad for her. She’s missing out on knowing you. And that’s a shame. 🙂
Rebecca Bradley says
Thank you Kay. It was so shocking because she is usually quite a good listener with wonderful manners. I have never seen her like this. Maybe she has her own stuff going on but to be so unable to comprehend a friends need to talk for ten minutes was just astounding. But it’s done now. Over.
Patricia Lynne (@plynne_writes) says
I would have considered it good news that to hear that you’re doing well despite a disability. Isn’t that a cause for a round of drinks instead of yelling?
Rebecca Bradley says
It is, but that was all she wanted to hear about, she didn’t want to know I was disabled. She wanted to stay in the past where we were all the people we used to be I think. And we know life just isn’t like that don’t we..
Rose F says
Reblogged this on Rose B Fischer.
Rose F says
Good Lord, what a bitch. I will be responding in more detail on the blog as soon as I can. I’m sorry this happened to you!
Rebecca Bradley says
Thank you Rose x
nancyrae4 says
What an incredible jerk. Disability does tend to weed out the phonies sooner or later. I’m just sorry your were the object of her ignorant behavior. Wish we could all meet for diner and drinks! We’d have such a good time:)
Rebecca Bradley says
Thank you Nancy and I’m really sure we would! 🙂
Dave Sivers says
Her loss, not yours, Rebecca. I seem to remember you had the opposite issue a while back ‘friends’ who were irked that you were exhausted when you looked okay. Now it’s having something visible that’s the problem because it inconveniences someone who evidently doesn’t know how lucky they are. I’m glad you’re strong enough to bounce back. Happy to be in your company any time!
Rebecca Bradley says
Thank you Dave. It was the same set of friends. I wanted to explain how things were progressing and I think they just couldn’t cope with change. Change in the dynamics of the group maybe? Who knows, but what I do know is that it’s obvious that they’re not friends and I’ve given them enough chances.
davesivers says
I think you’re right, Rebecca. Friendship is too precious to expend on people who judge you. They are the real losers.
writerdsnelson says
Sounds to me like someone who is deeply unhappy and can’t express herself properly and so gets mad at anyone who’s…’actually doing very well, thank you!’ It’s a hard lesson when it’s someone you thought was a friend but just be assured that wether they admit it or notm they are a lot more unhappy than you will ever be 🙂
Rebecca Bradley says
I think you’re right there. I think she is unhappy at the moment. Last time we met she was dealing with something of her own and we all comforted her. It’s just a shame she couldn’t extend the same courtesy for just ten minutes – not that I need comfort, but just an ear, before moving on to the more jovial part of the evening.
writerdsnelson says
It is a shane she couldn’t see that. That’s what friends are for after all.
Clare Chase says
I’m so sorry – what a dreadful experience.The person concerned sounds completely poisonous.
Rebecca Bradley says
Thanks Clare. What was shocking was that I would never have expected her to blow up that way. But now I know and it’s done. I can move on and live my life and be with friends who actually want to be my friend. 🙂
emaginette says
Be happy they are gone. I can only imagine where it would have led if you were forced to depend on any of them for any kind of support. Surround yourself with what you truly deserve: love, support, and kindness.
Don’t tell me who they are, cuz I’ll track them down and slap them down. :-
Anna from Shout with Emaginette