You may or may not have noticed that the blog has been awfully quiet for about the past week. There have been no new posts and there has been no activity on Twitter. It was as though I was sucked into a large black social media hole.
It was also the same for me behind the keyboard and the reason for the social media absence. I get Ehlers Danlos flare-ups and it’s like my life is sucked into a void. It stops. I don’t get my laptop out. There are no words added to my manuscript. There are no blog posts, no tweets. My family don’t see me as I fester under a quilt of agony upstairs.
I have no interest in being sociable. I don’t care if that offends. All I’m interested in is the pain stopping and the gloom that comes with it and hovers over me, disappearing. It takes close to a week before I’m functioning again. A week lost in a hole of time.
This was the reason I ended up closing the crime book club. I miss it terribly, but I’m reminded yet again how unreliable I am.
I now have to catch up with my word count without pushing myself over the edge and into the pain-is-too-much area. I have to give some love and attention to my poor neglected blog and I need to feel as though I’m alive again!
I hate that I have to live this way. That my life has punctuations in it where everything stops but all around me carries on, as it should. I’m missing parts of my life. It’s like someone has a hole punch and randomly punches through my timeline and I fall into each hole and have to fight my way out. It’s funny, when I’m up and ok-ish, I want to fight and do everything with as much energy as I can muster, but when I’m down those holes I don’t care about anything. The pain and fatigue suck the life force out of me and all I care about is making it to the end of the day when everyone else is also in bed and I can sleep and feel normal because guilt is the one emotion that does creep in. Guilt that my family have to live with these holes as well.
A life with holes isn’t much fun, but for now, I’ve climbed back out. I’m me again.
At the weekend I’m attending an EDS conference in London where specialists from the US are speaking about craniocervical instability and I hope to learn a bit more and make some contact.
Tomorrow on the blog there will be a Recently Read post on Snowblind by Ragnar Jónasson.
Thanks for still being here. I look forward to catching up with you and filling another of the holes that appear in my life every so often.