I’ve struggled to write this post for the past couple of weeks because of the emotions that are raging through me as I transition through the changes that are happening in my life. I feel as though I am slowly, but gradually losing parts of myself to a disorder that is taking over my body. Not only is it affecting how I live generally but it has now taken a massive part of my life that I suppose I identified myself by, that I loved to do and that I felt I made a real difference doing.
Two weeks ago I was medically retired from the police where I was a detective constable and had been for the past 8 years. It was a job I loved, but I’m no longer able to do. Prior to that, I spent many a year enjoying my role in uniform. I’m telling you, that is such a great role to do and yet, so under-valued. In total, I had just over 15 years service. I have seen many things you would believe and wouldn’t want to see. I have to tell myself that in that time I did make a difference, to people who will have noticed and will remember and those who won’t have.
Now though, now I have to move forward and take what I know into my writing and let myself focus on that, as I need to focus my mind somewhere. My body might be flaking away, but my mind is very much intact (well, most of the time!) so being a writer is the new career goal I have.
It has been hard though. There have been tears. Being a cop, is a strong identity to just leave behind. It’s something I’m still working through. You may have noticed less activity from me on social media some days and these are the days I struggle, but I do have something else and I’m holding onto it. I will keep writing, you can expect to see me continue to produce work. Life just has to be adapted to, no matter what it throws at you. I’m lucky I suppose. I already had my love of writing to fall back on. And I do love it.
This month is also Ehlers-Danlos Awareness month and I think losing a job to the disorder is awareness raising in itself. You can find more information about the disorder on the UK charity website Here.
Yes, I empathise totally. You will find your way but it’s a slow process. Never forget how much support you have out there though. The writing community is fab.
It’s ten years this year for me and I miss my job (I still call it ‘my job’) so much. A lot has happened since I was medically retired and I feel I may just be getting there. I would have had my thirty years in, this July. I feel cheated.
However, I have spent much of the last ten years raising awareness of EDS and now work voluntarily as a child protection specialist for the EDS support group. When you’re ready, you will find what works for you. Use the time to grieve and don’t punish yourself for doing so. It’s a huge part of your life and a big loss.
We have so many parallels. I’m here for you as I know you are for me.EDS may be part of us but it doesn’t define us. You’re going to be great!
Do you know Sharon, I have been so shocked by the level of loss I actually feel. I didn’t expect it at all. Not with having been off work sick for a while, I thought the transition would be seamless, but it seems that while off sick, the job was always in the background and then it wasn’t. It is really funny how many parallels there are between us. Though they’re not really funny, but you know what I mean. xx
What a brave post, Rebecca. My thoughts are with you and wishing you the best for the transition to the next phase of your life, with new goals and new dreams and old friends. BTW I think beat cops are undervalued too.
Thank you so much. I know with a little bit of time I can adjust, it has just been a shock – even though I knew it was coming. And I am lucky having my writing there. And yes, beat cops, they go out to absolutely everything first, get most of the abuse and also get the crap from those who want to dole it out. They’re a great bunch trying to do a tough job with less and less resources.
I clicked like for this post but truly dislike what I read. How sad that your career has suffered through the disorder you endure. However, I also like this post, why? Well, you have grit and determination to continue with writing and your previous career will enhance every plot you write. Good luck, Rebecca. Hugs x
Thank you Glynis. I knew what a like would have meant. It’s a funny one that like button isn’t it! Thank you for your kind words Glynis. It was a hard post to write but I needed to do it or I don’t think I would ever have written it! xx
Rebecca, I was in tears reading this. Sending you a big hug! xxx
Thank you Christine. I have shed many tears, but I know it will get easier with some time xx
Rebecca – I only know you as a writer – a very determined and talented writer! Keep up the great work.
Thank you Carol xx
I’m so sorry you’ve had to leave your job. What a blow for you. All I can say is that my husband and I are massive fans of your book. He loved it and insisted that I read it straightaway. You are a talented writer and your career in the Police certainly hasn’t been wasted as you’ve proved with your writing. One door closes and another opens as my mother always said to me in troubled times and she was so right. You have a great career ahead of you. Your body might be letting you down, but your brain won’t. Good luck and I’ll be following you with interest.
Thank you so much. I’m so glad both you and your husband enjoyed Shallow Waters. I’m working hard on book two and have been working on it this morning! It’s true about doors opening. I was lucky that I started the writing while I was still working because now I have something already in place to keep going at now that I am officially finished. It is hard though. It is a big part of you and you don’t really realise until you leave, but I can put it into my writing, the love of the job and the passion. I hope I can anyway. Thank you for your support.
I’m sorry that you’ve had to give up your job, and am praying that you’ll have a smooth transition into becoming a writer.
Thank you Misha. It has been harder than I expected but I know with time and the fact that I love what I have waiting for me, the writing, that it will all work out in the end. x
I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been struggling over the past weeks. I’m useless at keeping in touch on social media, otherwise I would have sent you some virtual love to let you know I’m thinking of you. Retiring from a job you love is excruciating, and I’m so glad you have writing to channel your talents and experience. I’m certain you made a lot of difference as a detective, and I’m always humbled by those who serve to protect the community. Now you get to breathe life into characters you can share with us, and we can celebrate. I look forward to hearing more about your current projects. Hugs <3
Thank you Mel. You’re not useless. I didn’t let many people know and as I said, when I really struggle, I tend to stay away from social media so there’s no real way of knowing what is really happening anyway. I just can’t think of anything social to say so the best thing for me to do is stay off.
I am looking forward to continuing my writing and breathing that life into my characters, I have just been shocked at the level of grief that hit me when the retirement became official. As time moves on this will lessen and writing will grow and things will right themselves 🙂
I’m so sorry to hear this Rebecca, and given that I’m a police officer myself, I know exactly how you feel. It’s not just a matter of giving up a job, it’s the mindset that comes with it, suddenly being a civilian when the police has been in your blood for so many years.
But … you are a writer, and a damn good one at that. You are now in the enviable position of having years of experience behind you. I’m not minimising your illness, you are one brave lady, but you have got this far by focusing on the positives and I know you will continue to do so. I am counting the days until I get to write full time, it really is the most wonderful profession. So stay strong and keep writing, there’s lots of us waiting for book two with baited breath. xxx
Thanks Caroline. I know we’ve discussed this a bit. It’s a strange one, both great jobs and both jobs we love. It wasn’t until the retirement became official that I felt the grief. It was strange. While I was off sick, it was still there in the background but then it wasn’t. And you’re right, no matter how you treat it, it isn’t just a job is it? There’s something strange about it that sucks you in. It becomes a part of your identity. I know with time that I will adjust and writing will be my new career. I do love it, it’s just a strange time at the minute. Looking forward to hearing you will be joining the ranks of ex detectives. 🙂 x
I’m sorry! Hold on to the good memories of that job.
Thanks Alex.
Rebecca, I’m sorry to hear about your job. I did not know you were a detective constable. That is amazing! I hope your experience on the force inspires more crime fiction from your gifted pen.
Thanks Prashant. It was something I couldn’t talk about while I was still employed by the job, but now I can. And yes, it can certainly be focussed into my writing now.
Dearest Rebecca, I too had no idea you were a policewoman and detective (although that explains a lot of the authentic-feeling detail of your book now!). It’s a wrench to give up a career that is also a vocation and it will take some time to adjust. I hope you have good friends and family around you so you don’t feel too lonely, and of course we are all looking forward to more writing from you. I also hope that staying at home more will ease some of your symptoms. Thinking of you!
Thanks Marina. I do have a good family around me. They’ve been great. They help on the tough days and yes, staying at home is helpful in itself, though my health is deteriorating unfortunately. There will definitely be more Hannah Robbins novels on the way and I’m glad you found the first one so authentic. I’d have been gutted if it wasn’t! 🙂
I am so sorry you’ve had to give up your work, Rebecca. It’s as though a piece of you is now missing, and I can only imagine how much that must hurt. I give you so much credit for being aware enough to make the changes you need to make and focus yourself. Thanks for sharing this with us.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment Margot. It does hurt, but I also know it is the thing that needs to happen in my life right now. Time will help me make that adjustment and the help of friends and family.
One of the things I really enjoyed in your book was all the procedural detail. So now I know where that came from! I’m so sorry you’ve had to give up your work. Good luck with your new horizons and also your second book. I’m looking forward to reading it.
Thank you Vicky. That really means a lot. The second one is on its way! 🙂
Rebecca, I am so, so sorry that your job has had to go by the wayside because of your health. I know I can’t really imagine what that must be like, but I will say that my father was career state policeman his whole life and when he retired, well, he seemed a little lost. So, I have that small frame of reference. I do want to thank you for sharing your life with us and your struggles with your health. I had not ever heard of your condition and I can’t help but think that your writings about it might help another person who is affected and does not realize it. Bravo for you in that regard.
Keeping you in my thoughts as you transition to a new normal. Best wishes for your further writing. I’m so, so happy that I found your blog and do enjoy the things you share with us!
Thank you Kay. I understand your father feeling lost even after completing a career because it is a big part of our lives as you know. We seem to wrap ourselves in it so much that when it’s not there we do wonder what to do with our time. I’m glad to have my writing, it keeps my mind active and I’m also glad you found my blog 🙂
I can understand it’s sad to give up a career you loved, but (at the risk of sounding like Pollyanna) try to see it as a new door-opening and the start of something new.
Maryom, it is the start of something new and I am happy about that, but mixed in is also that sense of loss. With time they will separate out.
Best of luck to you through this transition and in monitoring your illness. Writing will help!
Thank you. It certainly does!
Hi Rebecca. Not sure how I stumbled on this post. But I’m so glad I did. Four weeks ago, after 18 years of dedication, I left my job in teaching. After an intensely challenging period, I knew my health and happiness and that of my family must come before anything. Like you, after a period of time away, I thought the act of leaving would be smooth and without issue. But it honestly felt like a form of grief, for a lost job, lost friends and knowing I wouldn’t have the same impact on people as I had done as a teacher…. I always knew I wanted to write and I have thrown myself into that, but I know I have a long way to go. It was good to read that how I feel is not unusual and I’m beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Very best wishes x x
I”m glad you found the blog. I’m sorry that you also had to leave a job you clearly loved. Writing is great, but there is also that period of grief to be worked through. I also glad to hear you are now starting to see the light at the end of that particular tunnel. Best wishes to you in your journey as well.
Edwin Louis Cole once said, “You don’t drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there.” I don’t think it’s your nature to stay in a puddle.
I like that, thank you Jacqui. It’s certainly not my nature to stay in a puddle. I’ll pop on those arm-bands and start to float and climb out as soon as I can. 🙂
I thought I had posted this morning but can’t find it. I’m so sorry that you can no longer do the career that you love. I hope that your new career as an author works out for you.
Thanks so much Steph. 🙂
Oh Rebecca, I’m so sad for you. As Marina says, that explains the authenticity in Shallow Waters! Hopefully you’ll have even more success with your writing, and you’ll look back on it as one door closing, another one opening. It’s that transition period that’ll be tough. But I’m sure you’ll be a huge success with Hannah – it’s the building process that takes time, but you’re a tough cookie and you’ll get there. xx
Thank you Linda. I’m glad you thought it authentic. I’d have some colleagues who would give me some grief if it wasn’t, no matter how much I explain that it’s fiction! And I will get there, I just have to allow myself a little time. x
Dear Rebecca, I had no idea you were a police officer and no idea you have been going through such a rough time over the past few weeks. I’m so very sorry for you but am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and because of that, I hope that somewhere down the line this will too have a purpose. Thinking of you. xxx
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Thanks Vicky. I’m sorry this is delayed, I just found your comment in the spam folder! I’m feeling a little more settled now and getting into the mode of knowing I’m a writer now rather than a police officer. I just have to make sure I keep writing! x
Reblogged this on Anita & Jaye Dawes and commented:
Sympathies, Rebecca…and best wishes for the future…
Thank you and thank you for sharing.
Sorry to read this, Rebecca. But, you know, your inner strength shines through and I can only wish that if something like this ever happens to me I show half of what you’ve demonstrated. Please accept a virtual hug.
Thank you Graeme. The good thing with being online is, everyone only gets to see the strong side, not me weeping buckets 🙂
I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t say I’ve ever faced something this traumatic, but I do want to understand. Being a writer you can still protect the people, still be a cop of sorts and when your readers buy your books and get lost in your work, you will make a to them.
Anna from Elements of Writing
Thanks Anna. I love writing and it is helping me get through this difficult time. 🙂
That is sad news, Rebecca. I wish you all the best moving forward. Coming from someone who has a medical condition too that isn’t easily ‘fixed’ I know what you are going through, even though we suffer from different things.
Stay strong and take comfort in your writing friends as well as your positive reviews. You obviously have great memories to take from your previous job, which will make you smile one day.
Thanks Dan. It’s never easy when our body lets us down and our mind isn’t quite ready for it. I am lucky in that I do have support. I also do have the writing which I love. Thank you for your kind words.
So sorry to hear that you have had to lose a job you clearly loved – I had no idea you’d been a Detective which explains why Shallow Waters felt so authentic. Wishing you all the very best for the next chapter in your life.
Thanks Cleo. I couldn’t talk about it while I was in the job, but now, now I cam talk about what I have lost, as well as what I gain with the writing! 🙂
Just caught up with this while reading your Saturday coffee post. I didn’t know you were a detective either! So sorry that part of your life has ended, but you’ve clearly got a great writing career ahead 🙂
Thanks Annalisa. I’m glad and rather lucky to have my writing to fall back on. It’s really helped me through this process.