Some time ago I posted about the cancer diagnosis of a close family member. Things have moved on and it is going to start having more of an effect, so I’m writing this post.
It’s a post about dedication, determination and explanation.
The reason I’m not naming said family member is because they don’t know I blog, therefore, don’t know I have blogged about them, so I’m respecting their privacy. I doubt this would be an issue, but it’s not something I’m prepared to broach for the sake of making this any more personal than it already is.
The cancer has been staged and is stage 3 aggressive. I’ve known this for a few weeks. In the next couple of weeks she will start chemotherapy. This is going to hurt not only her, but her loved one and those of us who love her. Saturday was the first day this has really started to sink in and the first time I shed tears. I am starting to feel as though my heart is breaking a little bit. This next five months are going to be one of the hardest parts of my life I have ever been through. And this difficulty is as a bystander. I’m not going to have my body poisoned, I’m only going to stand and watch helplessly.
Why am I blogging about this and not just closing the blog down for a while? Because I am a writer. I have just been signed by an agent and the next step will be submission to publishers. My loved ones want me to succeed in that more than anything. They wouldn’t want me to stop, particularly for the reason of my being overwhelmed by sadness. There may be a time when I need to make this my day job by necessity.
So, yes, publishers. I have something to prove. That I can keep typing, keep editing and keep this small platform that is mine, running, no matter what. That I am worth taking that gamble on and I won’t crumble at the first hurdle.
Really though, blogging is about being amongst friends, but we all know that’s not how the “industry” sees it. To them it’s my platform. But whatever, I still like to come here and type. And yes, I’m still writing!
The only problem will be that my emotional energy and lack of, will affect the already dwindling energy supplies I have with the EDS and POTS and there will be times, as you’ve probably already started to notice, when I won’t make it round to many blogs to stop by and comment. My other social media places will also suffer. Some days will be fine and I will be fine, others I won’t. But I will keep trying and I will still be here, in this place and I hope, this way, we can still keep in touch and one day, I know I will have the time, and the energy, to put into social media what I used to. I just wanted to let you know why I may be a little slower at keeping up than usual.
After today, my future posts will return to all things bookish and crime, oh and the occasional cake.
Oh Rebecca, a heartbreaking post. You are absolutely right that, whatever agents look for in terms of platform and visibility, we are amongst friends. I feel the same way with twitter as well, surprisingly. My heart goes out to you and to those also close to this difficult situation. I find that writing can help me to push through the really tough times but people will also understand your silence at times. Bless you.
Thank you Fiona. Like you, I also feel the same about Twitter. My blog and Twitter are my two go-to places. The places I feel comfortable. Your kind thoughts mean a lot. I will try hard to keep up, but you know, times may just sap it out of me. I just didn’t want to look flakey. I’m here and trying so hard. Thank you again x
Very sorry to hear this, Rebecca. My thoughts are with you and your family at this difficult time. If I can do anything to help, please do not hesitate to ask x.
Jane, thank you so much. I genuinely appreciate that. Thank you x
I’m so sorry to hear that you and yours are going through hard times. But others are right, writing and friends gets us through things like this. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you Jane. Writing and friends have indeed been a great support. In fact, my writing friends have been a great support xx
Sorry to hear of your troubles. I hope you find the strength you need but try not to push yourself too hard. Your blog readers and followers on other social media won’t vanish on you if you go silent once in a while.
Thank you Denyse. We worry about these things don’t we. How secure are my relationships here? Can I really be a bit up and down with posting and commenting for a few months as long as I keep showing my face? I hope so. I believe the community of bloggers I engage with are great people and will allow me back if I did disappear. – which I won’t – I have a book club to run! – but the worrying are just there. Thank you for reassuring. X
So sorry to hear about your loved one. I have been in a similar position so understand how helpless and sad you feel. It is important to keep some normalcy in your life where you can though, not only for yourself but for your loved one. Best wishes.
Suzanne I’m sorry you understand this. It’s sad how many people identify with this situation. Cancer invades many families. You’re right though. Normalcy is important. I can help but still do the normal things. Thank you.
I think it’s really brave of you to be honest about your feelings here on your blog – and you’ve reflected something I’ve always felt about blogging: that a blog is a safe place where you can share the good and the terrible and find support. I also totally understand how awful it feels to see yourself carrying on when someone you love is suffering. But you won’t help by giving up and not pursuing your dreams – and you’ve already come so far. Thinking of you, love Jo x
Thank you so much Jo. I have found so much support from this post on Monday I was overwhelmed. I really didn’t expect it to be honest. It took me aback. The blogger world really know how to rally!
I do feel guilty for going on with my life, especially the dreams, but they are waiting to see me realise them so I had better get working! đŸ™‚
Thank you Jo x
A lovely post Rebecca, in that you are able to face a situation which has obviously hit you hard, head on. I wish you and your ‘close relative’ all the positive thoughts in the world that you come through this. Thinking of you, both of you. The writing helps, it really does.
Thanks Anita. I have a spare bedroom I’ve turned into an office. I think this will become my sanctuary.
So sorry to hear this sad news, Rebecca, but it’s good that you are not allowing it to pull you away from your writing. In fact, it’s good to use it as catharsis–write about it as you have in your blog just to help you cope. If you are Christian lean on the power of God for strength; if not, pull strength from whatever spiritual forces guide you.
Thank you Brenda. I hope it does push my writing. It’s important. Not to me but to my family.
Thank you for your very kind and generous thoughts. They are genuinely appreciated x
Sorry to hear of your family problems, Rebecca. I’m sure your writing will help to keep you going. You will be in my thoughts and prayersxx
Thank you Margaret. My writing will hopefully be my sanctuary.
So, so sorry to hear about this, Rebecca. I wish you and your family the best of luck and courage. It really puts it all into perspective and makes all of my whining about not having time or motivation to write seem like petty little whinges. But I suppose we never know how much we are able to bear until we are put into that situation.
Thank you for your good wishes Marina. As for perspective. That’s just it, perspective. In one situation, when you have nothing more serious at this point in time to stress about, you stress about something else. It’s your life, you can stress about whatever you want to stress about. Even I still moan my neck hurts. People do have it worse, but it’s not a competition. You’re as valid as the next person. X
You must keep writing for her, to keep your loved one informed of how your life is moving in a positive manner, will help her focus on life. I am so sorry you have to endure this pain. I have been there a few times now, as a loved one, and as a nurse supporting others, it is never easy. The one thing you must do is remain strong, cry, support, and appreciate life, live it, not waste it. I am so pleased you are taking a positive step, and send you hugs x
Thanks Glynis. It’s not easy but it has to be done. I will be there for them and also try to keep up writing.
Massive hugs to you, Rebecca. I know exactly what you are going through, and for me, being the practical one was what helped everyone get through. Writing about it is a great way to express how you feel and also show that you are strong and can carry on xxx
Thank you Susi and I’m sorry you identify with it so well. I think writing will become my sanctuary.
So sorry to read this. It’s been a very hard year this year and sometimes it’s difficult to see the way through these things. You’re strong. You will be an immense support. Take some time out for you. Rest. Read. Write. Scream. And laugh. It’s important to laugh. xx
Thanks Effie. It’s been an odd year. Emotional. But yes, I will continue. There’s nothing else to do other than cower and give in to it all x
Rebecca – I’m so very sorry to hear about what you’re going through. Watching someone you love go through this is wrenching. And when you’re already on limited resources, it’s all that much harder. I give you credit for carrying on with what you’re doing in the midst of all of this. {{{}}
Thank you Margot. Not easy, but I can do it. I have some great blogger friends around me to keep me sane đŸ™‚
Huge hugs…”You don’t know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.”
Thank you. And yes. I’m finding out how strong I can be. Though I have already been tested – and passed. I think seeing them both suffer will hurt, but we will all come through.
Sending lots of strength to your loved one. My grandma went through chemo and it is rough to watch (let alone experience.)
Thanks Patricia. I’m
Not looking forward to it x
Sorry to hear this. I blogged about a close family member who died from Cancer a year ago on Friday just gone. It’s heart breaking and although it will be tough, you will get through it with support from friends and family. I have an uncle and a cousin who are still fighting this cruel disease. The saying of ‘live each day…’ is ever more poignant. Positive thoughts to all of you. xxx
I’m so sorry for your loss and that you have to keep going through this with more family members. It’s such a cruel disease. Thank you for your thoughts x
Nothing to add to the other comments except my best wishes.
Thank you. Your best wishes are much appreciated.
I found my way here via another writing blog and wanted to let you know how touched I was by your post. I’ve started writing recently, mostly as a form of therapy to help deal with energy-sapping chronic illness including POTS. I know the emotional ups and downs of that all too well, and that’s without the other awful stuff you’re going through. Keep writing when you can, but be comfortable with there being days that you can’t. Both will give you strength. Sending you lots of positive energy.
Thank you Kate. For stopping by and leaving such a kind comment. I am learning that there are days I just need to say no more and relax. That’s not an easy thing to do but in order to keep going its an important one. Thank you for your kind thoughts x
Stopping is not something that comes easily to me either, but there are some days you just have to listen to your body. I’ve been on sick leave from work for two years now, and I’m finally starting to get the message đŸ˜€
Remember the airplane safety announcement – put on your oxygen mask first before helping your children. To be strong for those around you, you need to look after yourself first, otherwise you won’t be in a position to help them. You’ll have passed out from lack of oxygen whilst putting their mask on.
My thoughts are with you and your family. Take care of yourself.
That’s a very good point Kate. I’m not on the extreme end of the scale for the POTS or EDS, but they do have quite a negative impact on my life and I do definitely need to rest more and care more. It finding that balance for me, but yes, I know what you’re saying. If I drive myself into the ground, I’m no good to anyone. Thank you for your very kind thoughts and I hope you are starting to feel some control of your energy levels.
You’re very welcome. Thank you xx
I’m so sorry. I know how hard it is to see the ones you love go through this. Take care.
Thank you Rachel x
My prayers are with your loved one.
Thank you Jacqui x
*hugs* How very brave of you. You know my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly a few weeks back. I don’t know what is worse: some notice (and then suffering with a period of treatment etc.), or a sudden thing, out of the blue, no warning. My conclusion: it’s all worse. But while we’re alive it’s probably good to get on with what we love and with who we love. What else matters? xx
Thank you for stopping by Heather and taking the time to comment. I know how incredibly tough things are for you right now. Gentle hugs xx
We’ll be praying for you and your family. Keep your connection going here when you can. Sounds like you will need it.
Thank you Alex. I appreciate it.
I’m so sorry to read this, Rebecca. I will be thinking of you and your family and hoping for the best for your loved one. Sending hugs and many good thoughts your way. *hugs*
Thank you Julie. I really appreciate the kindness and good thoughts x
Rebecca, I am very sorry to hear this. I hope God gives you and yours strength to pull through this and I hope all is well again soon.
Thank you Prashant. x
Be kind to yourself, Rebecca – ultimately your health and sanity are more important than blogging and writing as they will always be there but health and sanity are much harder to get back on track. My mum had such a rare form of cancer that the oncologist had never seen it before, so I have been there, too. Sending warm hugs your way. Take care and all the best x
I’m so sorry you have also been here Linda. It’s sad how many people identify with this situation. Thank you for your kind thoughts. Hugs x
Hugs Rebecca x
Thank you Alison x
It just goes to show Rebecca, how well we hide what is truly there. I really admire your courage dealing with your own illness and my heart goes out to you and your family and especially your family member. I can only imagine what a difficult time this is for all of you and I want to tell you how brave you are for sharing. Thank for publishing such a beautiful and heartfelt post – my thoughts are with you.
Thank you for your kind words Jade. While living it, none of it seems brave. Your kind thoughts mean a lot, so thank you.
We are your blogging community, Rebecca, and we support you. Love and good wishes to your and your family.
Thank you Nancy. That really does mean a lot x
So sorry to hear this, Rebecca. Keeping up with blogs can be a challenge at the best of times, let alone with writing, living with chronic illness and (in your case) a job as well. Best wishes to you and all your loved ones. You strength shines through – do what you need to do. x
Thank you for your best wishes and really lovely comment Joanna x
Huge (((((hugs))))) honey xxx
Thanks Vikki xxx
Hey Rebecca, I just read your post and am sorry about the news. I’ll be keeping your family member and you in my prayers. I understand what you’re feeling. I lost my mother to cancer over a decade ago. She fought hard, enjoyed her life and lived longer than the doctors expected her to. I’ve known many survivors of cancer and other illnesses, myself included, as you know. We’re strong, us women. I’m sure your family member will give the cancer the whooping it deserves. Stay strong, have faith and know that we are here for you. I respect the fact that you are trying to maintain a sense of normalcy throughout this ordeal. Hugs to you. Lily